Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Today is my birthday. And not just any birthday, but the big 4-0. A major milestone for sure. Birthdays are traditionally a time to look back over my life and the choices I've made to become the person I am today. So today I am reflecting on who I am and how I got here and where I'm headed down the road. I try not to spend too much time dwelling on the what-ifs of my choices. It seems kind of redundant to think about how my life might have turned out..its not like you can go back for a do-over. 

I've worn many different personas in my life: child, student, outcast, artist, punker, goth, lover, working professional, wife, new mom and, lately, suburban mom. Some I've worn with ease and others have been an uncomfortable fit at best. I never had the story-book type life..I grew up poor and unwanted. I did not fit in at school. I had no childhood sweetheart. I had almost no friends. I was one of the only punk/goth kids in the small town I grew up in. I moved away from my parents when I was 18 and started my life in the big city at the very bottom in skid row. Over the years, I have had many jobs, relationships, and homes and in each one lived as a different person with each new situation altering my personality in small ways. The biggest change in my life was definitely becoming a mom at 30. I have had depression issues all my life but having a baby kicked it into overdrive. I had severe post-partum depression with each child and only now, 10 years later, do I feel like I can manage life again.

Currently I am terrified of getting old and infirm. My mother had deep depression when I was a child and she developed early Alzheimer's and severe dementia in her mid-fifties. When she died of medical complications at 64 she had basically ceased to be a functioning person, right down to forgetting her name and even how to eat. I constantly live in fear that each year is going to bring me one step closer to ending up the same way. I try to work against it by taking care of myself with proper nutrition, exercise and vitamins. I also try to reduce my stress levels whenever possible and I'm actively fighting against my own depression for the first time in years. 

My goals for the coming years are simple. I want to live my life in the best way I can and be happy doing it. I want to be part of my daughters' lives for years to come and leave them with many wonderful childhood memories of me. I want to be able to look back when I'm 90 and feel satisfied with what I've done and where I've been.

And now back to today. I am in a nice new home with a loving family that is spoiling me with gifts. On Valentines Day K. gave me the picture at the top of the post. It is quite large with a nice frame and will be mounted above the fireplace once the living room is painted. This morning, the girls jumped out of bed to give me things they had gotten K. to drive all over the city to get:
There's a beautiful china teacup and saucer from youngest (for your collection, mommy) and a length of flower printed cotton from eldest (so you can make a pretty quilt, mommy) and Wii "Your Shape" from K. (he knew I was wanting something like Wii Fit). Youngest also made me the picture. I especially like the upper right hand bit where it says "two things Mom's really good at: knitting and cooking".

I decided to buy myself a little something this morning at the local yarn store:

Some Sandnes baby alpaca in spring colours for a cardigan. I don't know when I will get to the actually knitting, mind you. But the yarn is soft and pretty and nice to pet..

And thats it for birthday musings. Long and heavy, I know but sometimes you just have to get it all out of your system before moving forward. My next post will be full of crafty-type fun stuff I'm sure!

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